I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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