Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
My legs feel like baby dolphins
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
