i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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