took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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