Only a mothe r could love this liver
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
