well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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