I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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