my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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