I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
