id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
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