i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
