Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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