pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
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