Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
