so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Randomize
