I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
