youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I need to align my fucking chakras
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