I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
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