i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
No awkward lesbian experiences without me
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
