I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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