Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
