i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
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