I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Ladies don't puke and tell
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Randomize
