I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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