if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
