You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Randomize
