I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
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I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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