Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
