my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
