the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
