pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
