God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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