Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
