I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
