The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
