The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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