my room smells like sperm. sweet.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
