she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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