nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
