you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
So much rum. So many feels.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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