I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
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you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
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Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
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