I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
Randomize
