my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Randomize
