I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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