That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Randomize
