Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
