Got a toothbrush?
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
