I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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