Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Randomize
