i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
