I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Redeem this text for a blowjob
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
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