I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
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