My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
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