im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
