I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
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