Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
