Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
her facebook's as public as her vagina
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Randomize
